So, lets start this one with what is happening today. I have moved out of on post housing and I have moved into my own apartment with our kids. The first night here was probably the hardest night I might ever have to endure. I questioned my reasonings for leaving him. Was I doing the right thing, would it be easier to just stay with him and have to live being miserable for the rest of my life? I came to the conclusion that this is the best possible decision for me and my kids. Its hard now but it will get easier. My husband comes home from Afghanastan in about a month and I am nervous as hell. I dont know what to expect when he gets here. I dont know if he is going to be nice and communicate with me well or if he is going to yell and scream. When he calls me some days he is so nice and other days he puts me down and yells at me. Sometimes it is so bad that I am shaking when he calls me and I feel like I am going to throw up. I feel like I am leaving a club of some sorts. The club being the sorority of the Army wives. Everytime I tell an Army wife friend of mine that I am divorcing my husband I get the look of pity. The "im so sorry". And then the question "what could he have possibly done though while deployed." And "Cant you work it out?" Then the same answers fall out of my mouth like im a disc player set on repeat " its okay, its has been a long time coming", "trust me, there is a whole lot he has done to me while deployed and not deployed." and " no, this time we simply can not work it out." Although I will still be a DOD civilian working for the Army I still am going to be leaving the Army lifestyle behind. It is exciting and scary all at the same time. Exciting that I wont be neccesarily dreading deployments or trainings that he has to be gone for long periods of time. I might actually meet a nice guy who loves me for me and dosnt have to go on deployments. Its scary though because the Army has been my life since 2002. That is almost 9 years. 9 years of knowing nothing but military.

Anyways, yes a big part of this has also been lonley. Wanting to find someone that I have things in common with. Wanting to find someone like Shawn.......yes Shawn. The person I had mentioned in my last entry. Him and I had so much in common,we got along so well. He did love me for me. He was the complete opposite of my husband. My husband is a major show off. He likes to show off his car, his belongings, his clothes and yes even his pretty young wife. He always wanted me to be dressed nice, with makeup done and nails done so that he could basically show me off. When I had gained weight from having my kids he didnt want to touch me and he didnt want to have sex with me. When I was five months pregnant with my second child he stopped touching me all together . Shawn on the other hand is a man from Texas. He is a tshirt and jeans kinda guy. He loves hiking, fishing and camping. He could care less if I have my makeup done or not because he loved me just the way I was. I wish I could find that again. Wishful thinking because while I am still legally married I will not date anyone. I might wish to have someone here to share things with me but realistically it is still way to early in the divorcing process to even consider it.

part 2

So where did I leave off? Oh yeah, with my husband telling me he didnt love me three months into our marriage. I then got an honorable discharge out of the Army and my husband got orders to Fort Sill, Oklahoma. We moved a few months later. Things did not get much better. He was still going out all the time and leaving me with the baby. I got a job at the correctional facility on post which will later play a role in this blog. One night though I think i really lost respect for my husband. He was going out with his friends yet again. Right after he left our daughter who at the time was only one and a half started vomitting everywhere. She had never really been sick before so I was panicking. I called him and begged him to come home and help me with her. He came home and brought a bottle of pedialyte and still decided to go out with his friends. Leaving me, a young scared mother alone having to deal with an infant who was vomitting. I called him that night and screamed that I hated him and wanted a divorce. He came home the next morning around 7 am and begged for forgivness like he would so many times after that. I partially forgave him although my feelings for him had changed that night. He was due to deploy to Iraq the next month and I decided that when he got back I would divorce him. I should have divorced him before he left but I was too scared. He deployed and I hate to admit it but I was releived that he was not around to cause me stress. He left in October. He barely sent home any money to pay bills and he barely ever called , he never wrote to me. I went through his things and found numerous women's phone numbers and email addresses. I knew in my heart that he had been cheating on me since before we were married. Then I met him, Shawn where I worked. I worked as a cook at the prison and he was a guard. He actually paid attention to me and made me feel special. I fell completly in love. I didnt need to grow to love him because I just then. Then started our affair. My husband came home on r and r and found out about the affair and that I was in love with Shawn and wanted to stay with him. My husband begged me to stay with him. And then he threatened me. He said that he would take my daughter away from me and that he would ruin Shawn's career unless I left Oklahoma and moved to Florida with my in laws. I moved two months later. When I was in Florida I was not allowed computer access, I wasnt allowed to go anywhere alone, I was not allowed on the phone unless I was in the living room and my in laws gave my husband every phone number that I called. I was basically imprisoned until my husband came back from deployment. He got a different duty station because he did not want to risk me running off with Shawn. I always have regretted leaving Oklahoma. When we got to Fort Lewis, Wa I didnt know anyone. I got pregnant with my son a few months after living in Washington. Five months into the pregnancy my husband stopped touching me. He wouldnt hug me, kiss me or be intimate with me. He slept in the living room. He was cheating on me again. His other woman was actually at my baby shower. A month after our son was born he told me yet again that he didnt love me and wanted to leave. I didnt have a job and didnt know anyone in washington and he wanted me to just leave. I begged him to stay. He did.......For a year. On our daughters fifth birthday party and our son's first birthday party my husband moved into his own apartment. A few months later he decided he wanted to come back and for reasons unknown to me , I let him. We moved on post and on the outside everything was fine but on the inside I was dying.

unknown

So today I start my first blog ever. I thought this would be a good way to get my feelings out other than throwing something through a window. Well, lets take you through the beginning. I was 18 when I joined the Army and 19 when I met my husband. Was it love at first sight? No it was not. I dated him for a week before I found out that he was married and 12 years older than me and then I broke up with him. I went on many horrible dates after that and then I decided to give him a second chance because he was relentless in pursuing me. I still remember what I thought to myself when I decided to take him back " I will grow to love him". Words I will forever regret. I was pregnant four months later which did in fact get me out of a deployment but he left two weeks after finding out I was pregnant. He came back when our daughter was 7 months old and moved right in. All he wanted to do was go out with his friends and leave me at home with the baby. He left me crying on the doorstep many times waiting all night for him to come home only for him to show up at 6 or 7 in the morning. A few months after he got home from Kuwait he got a divorce, a month after that we were married. I cried on our wedding day because I feared that it was the biggest mistake i was making but didnt know how to turn back. On our wedding night he went out with his friends and I went to mine. He didnt come home all night long. 3 months into our marriage he told me that he was not in love with me anymore and wanted a divorce.