So, lets start this one with what is happening today. I have moved out of on post housing and I have moved into my own apartment with our kids. The first night here was probably the hardest night I might ever have to endure. I questioned my reasonings for leaving him. Was I doing the right thing, would it be easier to just stay with him and have to live being miserable for the rest of my life? I came to the conclusion that this is the best possible decision for me and my kids. Its hard now but it will get easier. My husband comes home from Afghanastan in about a month and I am nervous as hell. I dont know what to expect when he gets here. I dont know if he is going to be nice and communicate with me well or if he is going to yell and scream. When he calls me some days he is so nice and other days he puts me down and yells at me. Sometimes it is so bad that I am shaking when he calls me and I feel like I am going to throw up. I feel like I am leaving a club of some sorts. The club being the sorority of the Army wives. Everytime I tell an Army wife friend of mine that I am divorcing my husband I get the look of pity. The "im so sorry". And then the question "what could he have possibly done though while deployed." And "Cant you work it out?" Then the same answers fall out of my mouth like im a disc player set on repeat " its okay, its has been a long time coming", "trust me, there is a whole lot he has done to me while deployed and not deployed." and " no, this time we simply can not work it out." Although I will still be a DOD civilian working for the Army I still am going to be leaving the Army lifestyle behind. It is exciting and scary all at the same time. Exciting that I wont be neccesarily dreading deployments or trainings that he has to be gone for long periods of time. I might actually meet a nice guy who loves me for me and dosnt have to go on deployments. Its scary though because the Army has been my life since 2002. That is almost 9 years. 9 years of knowing nothing but military.

Anyways, yes a big part of this has also been lonley. Wanting to find someone that I have things in common with. Wanting to find someone like Shawn.......yes Shawn. The person I had mentioned in my last entry. Him and I had so much in common,we got along so well. He did love me for me. He was the complete opposite of my husband. My husband is a major show off. He likes to show off his car, his belongings, his clothes and yes even his pretty young wife. He always wanted me to be dressed nice, with makeup done and nails done so that he could basically show me off. When I had gained weight from having my kids he didnt want to touch me and he didnt want to have sex with me. When I was five months pregnant with my second child he stopped touching me all together . Shawn on the other hand is a man from Texas. He is a tshirt and jeans kinda guy. He loves hiking, fishing and camping. He could care less if I have my makeup done or not because he loved me just the way I was. I wish I could find that again. Wishful thinking because while I am still legally married I will not date anyone. I might wish to have someone here to share things with me but realistically it is still way to early in the divorcing process to even consider it.